Due to technical difficulties with the internet, I did not post videos or articles for this week’s scheduled times. That is:
TV Tuesday, Whisper Wednesday, Thrifty Thursday, Flip-the-Script Friday, and Spiritual Saturday
The good news is that I am not abandoning these scheduled times and will be posting videos for the above today, at different times. However, they may be out of order, considering that certain issues have precedence, given observances this time of year. September was national suicide prevention awareness month. Today is the first day of October, so I do not want to delay this September-related post for a moment longer.
No one wants to hear about how those who are adopted are four times more likely to commit suicide than those who are not adopted. This is an uncomfortable dilemma for most people. Common misconceptions include:
- adopted people are “lucky”
- adoption is happy
- adoption is beautiful
- it was God’s plan for you to be with your adoptive parents
- adoptive parents are heroes and selfless people
- adopted people were “saved”
- adopted people were living in poverty or neglect conditions prior to adoption
- adoptive parents are not abusive
- adoptive parents are properly screened before being approved to adopt
- the “fees” included in the adoption process are ethical
- birth parents are terrible people
- adopted people who complain or feel bitter and angry are just ungrateful people
These lies have caused people to feel and act a certain way towards those who are adopted, which diminishes any trauma or pain associated with separation. Adoption always, always occurs because an original loss. Regardless of what that loss was, be it death, relinquishment, or removal, a loss occurred. Adoption is the only loss in which society does not support grief. When someone dies, is kidnapped, disappears, etc., people commonly accept these as a tragedy. But, no one ever accepts that a separation, which resulted in being adopted is a tragic event. When pain is unrecognized or disregarded, chances of suicide are much higher. There is nothing “lucky” or “happy” about being separated from one’s parents. “Lucky” is not an appropriate term, and it is highly disrespectful.
It is absolutely narcissistic to believe that God knit a child together in their mother’s womb, and formed their inmost being (Psalm 139:13-14) just so that they could be separated and the child would be with you. I cannot fathom that anyone would think this. This is not a godly form of thinking. This is diabolical and selfish. In the Bible, we have a plethora of examples of tragedies that God used for His glory. In the story of Moses and Pharaoh, God clearly told Moses that His name would be glorified, despite Pharaoh’s narcissism and idolatry towards himself. He used Pharaoh’s idolatry, the ultimate sin, to make Himself known to this day. So, we have clear, clear evidence that God could use a tragedy and bring glory out of that tragedy. But, to say that it was God’s will for Pharaoh to be an idolator is simply not supported by Scripture. In parallel fashion, it is not appropriate to say that God purposefully separated a child that He created in the womb of another woman to service you. Those who believe this are also self-idolaters, looking for a God to serve them, rather than a God to serve. With that being said, to an adoptive parent, any child will do. There is a misconception that we were all sitting on a shelf and picked out. This is not the case. My own parents went through four failed adoptions before I came along. I was not “chosen.” I was matched by an agency who specialized in people who looked alike. Other adoptive parents who used this agency confirmed that this was their specialization. I did not spend time with my family prior to the adoption, where they got to know me and love me as an individual person, with likes and a personality different from their own. I was matched by the agency because I matched the preferred physical characteristics. There is nothing “beautiful” about this process. Through the years, some have grown to love me and accept me. Others don’t like me as much and think that I’m some sort of outlier who refuses to conform who the person they believe I should be.
If adoptive parents were so righteous, they could have given the money used to adopt to the birth parent in order to preserve the family. They could have offered the birth parent their home. They could have adopted a child living in an real orphanage with absolutely no one to care for them. Wanting any child, as long as their a white “wet-womb” baby is does not make you holier-than-thou.
I was not “saved” by anyone but God. I was not in imminent danger at the time of adoption. I was not picked up by social services or had parents in prison or anything like that. The truth is, that the reasons for what happened are none of your business. I am entitled to some type of privacy. Adopted people should not have to give you their life story in order to merit respect from you, nor for you to respect their biological parents. The reality is that adoption agencies across America are banking hard. They charge unethical “fees,” which typically result in commission for different parties: counselors, social workers, and attorneys. Hence, if a child is “sold” for $40,000, the social workers is promised a 10% cut, making him/her $4000 richer. Whenever money is on the table, objectivity goes out the window. Counselors, attorneys, and social workers working for this private agency have one goal: get the child adopted. I recently read an article by a social worker called: I hate telling adoptive parents that there are no children for them. WHAT?! The day that there are no children to give adopters will be the best day ever. It means that a mother was able to keep her child. It means the child was likely planned. Unplanned pregnancies are a profit for them. We are no longer seen as people by the time the adoption agency is involved. We are profits. Those who work in the foster-care system are typically not as persuaded by money, because these are salaries workers, not commissioned workers. I’m not saying that corruption doesn’t happen. But, it’s not the business model. Birth parents are not the demons the public thinks they are. The majority or teen parents or college students that were coerced by the agency to make the decision.
People typically think that because adoptive parents are screened, they are not going to be abusive. This line of thinking is quite strange, given that nobody is going to abuse a child before they arrive. There is no follow-up after an adoption is sealed. In reality, punishments should be harsher for foster-parents and adoptive-parents who abuse, given that they willingly signed up for this. But, there is no accountability or follow-up. In the US, a social worker who works for a private attorney does not need to be licensed by the state. It is considered a “service” that you pay for, like when you go to the beauty salon and do your nails and your hair. This is really not as serious and thorough as the public seems to believe. There is a misconception that to adopt, you have to jump through a lot of hoops. You don’t. You just need to have the money to do it. There are plenty of amazing potential adoptive parents who have enough to raise a child, but because they don’t have 40K at hand, they are denied time and time again. This is not about the children. This is about the agencies making money. Being used as a pawn and exploited is another suicide risk factor.
Most adoptive parents love their children. Most of us don’t have an issue with our parents and love our families, regardless of a few bad apples. However, there are major civil rights issues related to adoption, birthed by Georgia Tann, the founder of modern adoption. She was a crook who stole children in order to sell them to the wealthy. She advocated for sealed records because she didn’t want to be discovered. She died before facing an earthly punishment. But, her crimes were discovered after children who were presumed dead found their birth parents. Sealing records=sealed crimes. So, no one should be advocating for this. When a child is adopted, the fees also include a “sealed identity” fee, meaning that the child is no longer known by their name and can even go by a different race. They receive an amended birth certificate which says that their adoptive parents gave birth to them and it says the race of the adoptive parents. This is wrong. Adopted people are also not a protected minority, which means that you can get fired for being adopted and not have a case in court. Legally, it’s not considered discrimination. Not being a protected class and having no real civil rights is also a form of oppression.
Those of us who are a different race/ethnicity than our parents often experience discrimination. We don’t fit in to any of the “groups.” There’s a complex of “you’re not a real Cuban,” but “you’re not a real gringa either.” It’s like hearing people talk bad about you from behind a curtain. I’ve heard all the cracker jokes there are to hear and I’m expected not to feel at all offended. Lack of community support also leads to suicidal thoughts.
What I’ve learned along the way is that some people are like a cancer. Some people did make me feel suicidal. If a certain food was the cause of your illness, you would stop eating it. So, if certain people are the cause of your illness, then stop associating with them. Despite being treated like a profit margin, you are human, created in the image of God, from your mother’s womb, and part of a genealogy that extends past your parents and will extend past your children. Adoption is a multi-generational issue and it should not be taken lightly. I am in full support of providing children with a safe and loving home. I’m not in support of selling them and treating them as profit. I’m not in support of coercion over an empowered decision.
Today, I was driving on US-1 and saw the signs advocating to end abortion. I am pro-life and in complete agreement to end the slaughter of human life. But, when I read posters like: “adoption is the loving option,” I cannot stay quiet. Absolutely, it is favorable to abortion! But, I did not see one sign that said: Dear Mom, you can do it! Not one person had a sign that encouraged and empowered a mom to realize that she was capable. I’ll be the one to tell you. You are capable. You are strong. There are places you can go for help. There are people to assist you. I know teen mom’s who put themselves through law school. Children are a gift, not a burden. Instead of seeing a child as a stumbling block to your goals, see them as the motivation to do better than you would do for yourself alone. You don’t have to be #birthmom strong. You can be #momstrong! I believe in you. God will provide. God will prevail.