I’m Deeply Sorry

Dear Ex-Friend,

I’ve disguised your name for the purpose of issuing you a public apology via this blog. However, I’m sure that once you read it, you will know that this is directed at you.

I owe you an apology for not having told you the truth years ago. It’s been nearly a decade since we first met… and about 5 years since these terrible events occurred that completely destroyed the possibility of us continuing a friendship. First and foremost, I would like to confess to some of the stupid and immature things that I did in the past. But, I also want you to know that many of the things I was accused of were not my doing. At one point in my life, I was so hurt by some of the things that you did to me, that the only vengeance I could come up with was hurting you back. I thrived on the idea that somehow, one day, I would be able to hurt you in the same way that you hurt me and that you could experience the pain that you once caused me. But, that subsided as I got older, matured, and moved on from the events that occurred years prior. I learned that this feeling was not uncommon. I was simply just too immature to handle the events that had occurred. I had never experienced those emotions and at the time, I didn’t know how to handle them. I am sorry for that. Although I was a child, and had little to no guidance involving this situation, I still apologize for the words I said and the actions I took that may have hurt you or put you in an uncomfortable predicament. You never deserved such, as you never intended to cause me so much pain. You were always kind and caring regarding my feelings, even if you had to make the decisions that you did at the time. You were even willing to comfort me through those feelings. You didn’t deserve the hatred that I spewed at you. I regret doing so because I believe that we could have had a wonderful friendship, which I completely ruined.

Years later, I discovered that a long-term “friendship” that I had fostered was extremely toxic. I discovered that throughout the time I had known this person, she had lied to me on several occasions, talked ill of me behind my back for no reason, and worse of all, tarnished my name to some of the people that meant the most to me. This person became obsessive in ways  that I couldn’t even imagine. To this day, I wonder if I should write to the lifetime network with my story. Her goal was to have everyone that I cared about disappear from my life, leaving me lonely and vulnerable, to be more susceptible to her manipulation. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered she had been behind a scheme that I would have never imagined she was a part of. In fact, while that scheme still remained a mystery, she was the person helping me solve it. I only discovered this because God let me see, for a split second, pictures linked to the e-mail address that was associated with the incident. It was then that I knew I couldn’t trust her. I wondered what else she was capable of. I found out through different sources that she hadn’t stopped at this incident, but continued… preying on everyone that she believed I cared about, making me look like I was someone I was not. Some of your closest friends know about these incidences, and one was brave enough to confront me and tell me the truth. It answered so many questions for me. It confirmed to me why people who had been so close to me were no longer a part of my life.

I cannot imagine you thinking that I, somehow, had anything to do with this. If you want to hate me for the events that took place when we were children, so be it. I was foolish, and I know it. But, it was also a very innocent attempt to try to make amends with you. What occurred after, however, was not my fault. If you chose never to speak to me again on your own account, I would accept that. But, if you hate me or are angry with me because of this, I cannot walk away. I was in no way responsible for these incidences, and I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through this. If I could take anything back, it would be having been her friend in the first place. To be manipulated and used… only to then be the object of somebody’s else’s cynical idea of fun. I’m so sorry that this was done to you. But, please realize, that it was done to me too. I, too, was a victim, and for a much longer period of time. What I failed to realize was that the perpetrator was right under my nose. She played me like a fool. But, I am no longer a fool, and I refuse to be treated as one. Throughout the past five years, I grew up, and realized that life is fragile. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Hence, why I need to take this time and apologize. I can’t let you go forward thinking that I’m anything like her… because I’m the complete opposite. I want you to know that this friendship has ended… and it wasn’t simply on account of the things that she did to me… but rather, the things that she did to those who I cared about.

I don’t have the words to apologize. I don’t know if time has erased those words… or if I simply would never have known what to say. But, I’m not the same person that I use to be. I don’t know if she is either, but that’s not a chance that I’m willing to take. If you take anything from this letter… please let it be two things:

  1. I’m sorry
  2. And, I’m not her. I will never be her. And please don’t ever think for a minute that I was responsible or behind the things that she did

It pains me, deeply in my heart, to think that you, your family, and your friends, would have such a tarnished view of me. I wish that we could be friends, like we use to be. I wish that we could talk about this face to face, without any pressure. But, now everything has changed. And it is her fault. But, the world views it as if it were mine.

I hope that you are okay and I hope that you are doing fine. I’m sure that you are. You are smart, talented, genuine, caring, and good-hearted. You have a lot to be proud of. I hope that you are in a place in your life where you can find it in your heart to forgive me… and even forgive her, so that you can move past these frightful events. I too, was scared. Had I known before… had you known before… we could have stopped her earlier. But, things don’t always work out this way. Sometimes, you need to forgive the person, not for them, but for yourself. So, that you no longer carry their poison with you. Who knows what she’s up to. She may be successful, wealthy, and happily in love, never thinking for a moment about the way she affected our lives. Who knows? Or maybe she does. Maybe every day, it eats her up alive that she didn’t get her way in the end. But, she doesn’t deserve to effect my life or yours anymore. So, I’ve released it to God. I hope that you can do the same.

And I hope that if you pass by me sometime, if we happen to run into each other, you can turn and say hello. That you know you don’t have to hide from me. Or be ashamed. I don’t know if we could ever be friends again… but, I hope that, at the very least, you can hold me in positive regard, not in a negative light. I hope that this truth has cleared the air. And again, I sincerely apologize for it all, for whatever was my fault, and what was not. I’m sorry for what you were put through, as well as what I was put through.

Wishing you the best,

Cristy

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