It is our understanding that your mother cannot provide for you, so we will be sure to take full responsibility for placing you in the best home possible. Although no price can be put on a human life, please be advised legal fees will run up to nearly $35,000.
It is our understanding that from the time that you were five months old, you recognized your mother’s voice, scent, language. This is why it is imperative that from the moment you are born, we have to separate you from her immediately. Evidence has shown that you will probably cry day and night because you are afraid that the only person you have ever known is missing. Pretty soon, we’ll be sure to advise you that referring to this person as your “mother” will be deemed highly inappropriate and we will be sure to call you an unappreciative, angry adoptee for showing this type of animosity towards the people who adopted you. You are also discrediting our largest marketing tool, which is that you are a “blank slate” and that genetics play no role outside your looks.
We completely understand that you have way more in common with your biological relatives than just your looks. You likely act a lot like them too. You share plenty of interests. You share talents and research has even shown that there are major patterns in career choices among blood relatives. But, if we were honest with a lot of our prospective adoptive parents, we wouldn’t be making any money, now would we? We are a 14 BILLION dollar industry! That’s not money you see every day!
So, we do what we can to protect that slogan. In 44 states, we will seal your birth certificate. In all honesty, it’s really none of your business where you’re from. When your parents handed us a big hefty check and promised to take care of you, we made sure to do whatever was in our power to ensure them that you were theirs AND ONLY theirs. If you had a name prior to being adopted, we didn’t inform them. So, you will be receiving a brand new name, much like the witness protection program. Be advised that you will be receiving a surname and we cannot ensure that you will have any connection to it. For instance, if you are Asian, you may receive an American last name with your new identity. If you are American, we are likely to supply you with a Hispanic last name. Please be advised that this identity crisis will go on for your entire life. You will spend endless hours explaining why it is that you have the last name you do when you look vastly different from another person that will have this last name. Be prepared to hear inappropriate comments during this time by others who will call your first mother a villain, telling you that she abandoned you. Be prepared for us to tell you that you are endowed to your second parents and referring to them as a savior. We completely understand your frustration, however. But, in this society, these are the rules. You are expected to keep your first boyfriend in your heart forever, but expect different about your first mother.
If you left any siblings behind in your first family, you are likely to long for their presence growing up. After all, siblings are your closest genetic mirror. Unlike your parents, they contain DNA from both your parents, just like you! It’s quite common that you find you have more in common with them than you think. You will have similar personalities and temperaments. However, once again, we advise you to keep all emotions to yourself so that you don’t make the rest of society feel uncomfortable.
Please make an effort to conform to the culture you were given. To make your personality more similar to those around you. To not burden us with how you’re different and how your family is different from those children who are born to their families naturally. Make an effort to fit in. Put your interests on the back burner. You owe it to your saviors to keep that old identity sealed and conform to the new one we gave you. After all, it cost $35,000.